Nudge your children and let them soar by Dr. Dorothy M. Tucker, Ph.D.

The relationship between a parent and child is a very personal and private matter. The idea of giving anyone instructions on how to talk-listen in such a close relationship and on issues which affect their lives so deeply can be intimidating.

In these fast-paced changing times, children need to be prepared for making decisions and dealing with difficult situations, and they want to be informed. According to a recent State Bar survey, most adolescents know something about the "most serious" laws (theft, drugs), less about the least serious (curfew, school), and learn mostly from school, television and their parents.

As informing parents, there are important principles to guide your conversations with your kids about the law. Here are a few, for starters:

• Unconditional acceptance. The major prerequisite for any conversation should include unconditional acceptance, which means no matter what your child does, it should not affect how you feel toward him or her; i.e., I may not like your behavior, but I will still love you.

Laws are sensitive conversations; the judgment spin should be excluded. Stay away from intimidation and threats, avoid references to past weaknesses or past failures.

• Talk-listen. Talk-listen is always the best tool to use when working with your child. Use language your child can understand. Be open and honest; ask a lot of questions so you can listen to what your child has to say. Talk frequently. Be flexible. Children are ready to talk at unusual times and places (meals, car, etc.). If it's in the middle of a baseball game, do it. This may be his/her comfort/relaxation place or the place where the relationship is seen to be the most trusting. Be prepared for a lot of repetition. Children, not unlike adults, don't always get it the first time around.

• Feelings. Share your feelings. Tell stories rather than give advice. Encourage your child to express his/her feelings. Research tells us there is a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave. When kids feel right, they will behave right. Develop activities to help tell the stories and explain the law. Trust their perceptions and support your child in developing them.
• Connections. Introduce your child to a lawyer; visit a law office or court (teen, superior). Connect your information to something with which kids are familiar; it will help to make sense of disjointed information. Put them in the situations where they can see themselves, such as those that relate to their everyday activities.
• Foundation building. As a parent, you have a built-in frustration to get your kids to behave in ways that are law-abiding and acceptable to you and society.

As soon as your kids were able to understand, you began giving them guidance to help them navigate safely through life. Starting at age three, children begin to internalize rules as well as the consequences of breaking them, storing the information in their memory banks. The kids and law discussions will expand on the work you've already done.

Nudge your children and let them soar.

Dorothy M. Tucker is a licensed psychologist and public member of the State Bar Board of Governors.